Book of Remembrance

Our Remembrance Page is a place where we can add special images, words and verse in memory of the little ones we have lost. Please click on the small images below to see the entries in full.

Keepsakes

Angel Bracelets

A perfect way to keep your loved ones close. All bracelets are handmade by using Swarovski Crystals and Sterling Silver letter beads. Choose your chosen name(s) or words and you can have any letters, numbers, hearts or stars.

These bracelets are made by Cathy, our group chair who made herself a bracelet to hold her little ones close. Click on the images below for a closer look.

Prices are available on request. Please email cathymilburn@swindonsands.org if you would like more information or to place an order.

Cast and Present

Victoria hand makes beautiful silver fingerprint jewellery and has also introduced a range especially for baby loss using hand and foot prints. Visit her website, or click on the images below for a closer look.

Handmade Letters

Kelly hand makes lovely letters in different colour fabrics and thread. She can create any combination of letters or names and so can be personalised very easily for our little Angels.Click on the images below for a closer look.

The letters are £2 each and there is a postage charge of £2.50. Please contact her directly to place an order, letters are approx 6x4 inches. Contact: Kelly Gray 07739832697

Personal Stories

Cathy's Story

It was the morning of New Years Eve 2006 when our world came crashing down and was changed forever. Our much longed for little boy Adam Lee Milburn died at 31 wks into my pregnancy. We had been trying for 5 years during which I suffered 2 previous early miscarriages so when we were blessed to fall pregnant again, and got through the 12wk scan with no problems, we were over the moon. We were finally going to have a little brother or sister for Peter. How little did we know that things can go so wrong.

Looking back I really don't know how we got through those early days. I remember taking the tablet and going home, only to be told to come back two days later to give birth. I didn't even twig that I would have to give birth to my little boy, knowing that he would never cry, move, or look up at me with beautiful baby eyes. But undoubtedly, the hardest thing I have ever had to do was tell my little 7yr old that his baby brother had died. I felt like I needed to protect him, like I needed to protect them both for as long as I could but I couldn't. He was heartbroken again and I couldn't do anything to protect him from it, just hug him while we all cried.

New years eve will never be the same in our home. We lay in bed that night wondering how we were going to be able to get through the next few days, let alone weeks and months, only to receive lots of 'happy new year' texts at the stroke of midnight. To this day, I will be haunted by texts entering into the new year. We somehow got through new year's day and went back to hospital on the following morning. Adam arrived by early afternoon and he was perfect. The time we were able to spend with him was priceless and I wouldn't have given it up for the world. We spent the next 2 days creating what memories we could in the time that we had until finally we had to say goodbye. I just couldn't let him go, I tried but I wanted to keep him safe and warm and just couldn't let him go. But as always, time runs out and we finally said our last goodbye before leaving the hospital without him. For the longest time it seemed that everyone around us was moving but we were just standing still. It's amazing how you can be surrounded by people but feel very much alone. The journey we have been on, I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It has been the hardest time of my life and it's taken me a long time to be able to tell my story without falling apart. But a few years down the road I can honestly say that we are coming out the other end as a stronger, more determined family and Adam will always be a huge part of this family.

My little man has made me want to be a better wife, a better mother and a better friend. Life is so hard sometimes and things happen for no apparent reason. But I know everything happens for a reason, even if we have to wait before we can find out what that reason is. I want to live my life in such a way that he will always be proud of his mummy and I have no doubt that we will be together again as a family. He is never very far away and blows down kisses, especially when I need them most.

Thank you for choosing us x

"Like a Rainbow you are beautiful, always remembered and a gift from God"

Mummy xxx

Click here to see Cathy's Photo Memories

Personal Stories

Natasha'a Story

A moment in my arms, forever in my heart

On the 17th of December 2006, our beautiful little boy Bob was born. Tears rolled down my face and those of my husband, as we held our precious son. Sadly they where not tears of joy, but the cries of the broken hearted, as Bob never opened his eyes to see the absolute love that was wrapped around him. Robert Vesma, our Baby Bob, was born sleeping (stillborn).

My pregnancy had been 'normal' and trouble free. The previous months around that time had been a bit stressful as I had been living separately from my husband due to the fact that my father has been diagnosed with cancer and wanted to be close to help and be a support. That had all passed and we were all together again. As a family we where looking forward to moving into our new home in the New Year. At the time we where living in a rented cottage, not ideal but after being apart for so long, it was just lovely to be together. My dad was recovering well and soon our family would have a new addition soon. Dan, Corbu (our son, 2 years and a bit at the time) and I were happy; life seemed to be going well.

Then late one afternoon something in me knew something wasn't right. I knew Bob had less space now to move, but movement had seemed unusually still over the last few hours. I decided to go and have a bath. Bob always loved bath time and would always wake up and kick like mad while I soaked in the tub. Corbu was with me, playing over the side in the water as he usually did, but this time he was the only one. Bob remained quite. My husband came home, to find me in floods of tears, something is wrong with Bob I told him, he's not kicking.

In a matter of moments we were on the way to the small local hospital. We were seen by the on call doctor, after 15 minutes of being unable to find a heartbeat, she called in a colleague, who was also unable to find it. The doctor referred us to another hospital, so we could have a scan. I remember her saying not to worry, that sometimes a Doppler can make mistakes. On the way to Gloucestershire Royal I managed to phone my sister and tell her what was happening. I hoped, I prayed for the best but deep down I knew our little one was gone.

Within the hour, the consultant confirmed what we already knew. Our precious little Bob has passed away.

The next few days are a blur. I remember lying in bed while I waited for the pill they gave me to work and to go into hospital to give birth. I just lay there curled up, numb. While we were in hospital, we had one midwife; she looked after us from the beginning to the end. I will forever be grateful to her, she treated us with such kindness and when Bob was born, dealt with our son with such dignity and respect.

I held my son. I cried. I treasured up every moment. A lifetime of memories in the few hours we were together. My husband took photos and together we bathed and dressed Bob. It was the most heartbreaking and touching time of my life.

I don't know how I managed to get through it all but I know that when I looked at my husband. His eyes where filled with such love and raw honesty, that it gave me courage.

We said good-bye and then the long journey of learning to live life without Bob began.

Bob is always with us, he might not be here to hold and kiss, but his mark is stamped in every step I take in life. A little life not a little loss and I am a better person for having known my son.

I will always love you, my precious little Bob. X

Click here to see Natasha's Photo Memories

Personal Stories

Daniel's Story

Before I start the story, I want to say that I know that the experience of stillbirth isn't the same for everyone, and that I was exceptionally lucky to have the opportunities and choices that I was offered. For one of the unlucky ones, I was very lucky.

Before I opened the front door of the house, I was in a foul mood. I had experienced one of those days that makes you well-up with anger and frustration but at the same time be so overcome by fatigue that you want to curl into a ball and weep. I drove home too fast with the radio on too loud paying little attention to anything other than the idea of a cup of tea and a long soak in the bath. I opened the door to the cottage that we were renting to find my two-year-old a little distressed. He took me back to the ground-floor bathroom where I found Natasha sat in the bath crying. My mood changed. She knew that something was wrong with Bob.

We went to the local hospital, where the on-call GP and one of the hospital team both failed to find a heartbeat. I phoned my mother and told her that we had to go to a bigger hospital for an urgent scan, and about half an hour later we had dropped off the boy and were sat waiting to see a doctor. It was not long before the consultant broke the news to us that our child had passed away. Natasha was told that she would be chemically induced, and that in a couple of days she would give birth to our son at 34 weeks gestation. Natasha spent over two days with dearest Bob lying motionless inside her with his body gradually giving some of itself back to her. During times of frustration with our marriage, I remember that she had to endure this. I cannot fail to break down in tears thinking about this selfless act of love and respect. For this reason alone I will adore her forever.

The labour is a blur to me. The team of midwives and doctors at Gloucestershire Royal were gentle and treated his body with the greatest of respect. We helped wash him and we dressed him in the clothes that his elder brother had given him (the outfit that he himself had come home in as a newborn). I took hundreds of photos. I held him. I cried more than I thought possible.

The love I had for my unborn child had to be expressed to his breathless body, and the time spent in that room is the most precious time I will ever spend on this earth. There was nobody to impress, no tradition or routine to uphold, just the opportunity to show the physical manifestation of my son how much I loved him - I can not think of another time of absolute honesty in my life.

The hospital provided a funeral at the local cemetery. It wasn't as hard for me as I expected, I was still numb and I honestly don't remember who was there. I remember his tiny white coffin arriving on the back seat of a funeral director's black limousine. I remember the words I whispered to him. I remember the tears on my wife, mother and father's faces.

We will never know the cause. Neither of us could face the thought of a post-mortem. Sometimes I regret this, but most of the time I remember that we've had a healthy baby since and that had we have found a genetic cause for Bob's death then we wouldn't have his little sister asleep in a cot next to our bed.

Time has passed and I have come not to regret what has happened. It is desperately sad that dear little Bob didn't get to come home, but the fact that he is absent from our home does not mean that he hasn't played a role in life. He was real. He had hair and eyes and fingers. I wanted to wipe the blood from his nose. I love him deeply, and the thought that I might never have felt him kick inside Nastash's tummy is worse to me than the thought that I wont feel that again.

I will never forget him. I love him with all my heart.

Personal Stories

Caroline's Story

8th of October was the day our world came crashing down. We went for our routine 20 week scan. I was so pleased to be told that I was having a little boy. I knew Max (aged 6) was desperate for a brother, and I knew Jordan (then aged 7 ) would love a brother or sister.(Something was wrong! I can remember thinking 'oh no, he's got a hole in his heart'- If only that was all it was. The sonographer called for her collegue, then they called for a consultant. Now I knew we were in trouble.(We were told quite bluntly, that our son had a diaphragmatic hernia. This meant his diaphragm hadn't formed properly earlier in the pregnancy which meant that his bowels and his stomach were in his chest. This had caused our baby's heart to be misplaced on the right and leaves less room for normal lung development. We were told then that his chances were about 50:50.

I felt I needed to give my baby a nice strong name. We had been considering Sam, Oscar and Fraser. Jordan and Max liked Sam the most. I looked the meanings up in the baby name book. Samuel means: god has heard, and Samson means: against all odds (which Sam would be- so we hoped). So we decided on Sam; a combination of both names.

We were referred to the John Radcliffe hospital the next day. We had another scan and an amniocentesis, this was to rule out any other abnormalities which would have meant our little boy stood no chance. We met Dr Lawrence Impey for the first time. We were to see this man a great deal more during the pregnancy. I am grateful to him for his honesty throughout.(We were told that Sam's condition was at the worst end of the scale and therefore his chances were less than 50%, more like 30%.

Dr Impey told us about an experimental treatment that was being carried out by expert and wonderful man,Professor Nicolaides. it was suggested that because of the severity of Sam's condition he would be a good candidate. We were referred to Kings College hospital in London, and met with the lovely Dr Jacque Jani. Again, I'm grateful to this man for his honesty and kindness throughout. An expert in the condition, Dr Jani told us that Sam s hernia was very severe and he also had his liver in his chest. He told us that without the operation, Sam s chances of survival were about 5%. Sam s lung to head ratio at this time was measured at 0.4 (it should be 2.5-3.5).

We agreed to have the FETO treatment, which involved putting Sam to sleep, then through my tummy putting a camera in along a tube, then placing a balloon in Sam s trachea (with the aim to increase lung growth). This was the most painful thing I have ever been through, but I thought it was going to help my little Sam. All seemed to have gone well; weekly scans from then on showed Sam s lung to head ratio gradually rise to 0.9 then even 1.1. I really thought things were looking up.

On the 10th of December- my daughters 8th birthday, I had a show. I knew this was bad news being only 29 weeks pregnant. I put on a brave face till the celebrations were over. Then I called the hospital. They said not to worry.

On the 11th of December, I went to watch my sons nativity play- he was reading the part of Joseph. Then I went to see my midwife. She sent me straight to Oxford hospital.I was monitored, and during my time there, starting having contractions. I was given drugs to stop the labour, and Sam was given steroids to mature his lungs. After 3 days, all had pretty much settled down (though not completely stopped) and I was discharged from hospital. scare over - or so I thought.

On the 19th of December my waters broke at 10.30 pm. I rang oxford, but there were no special care beds. I had to go to the local hospital -GWH, and was then transferred by ambulance to Kings in London.

On the 20th, I saw Dr Jani and Professor Nicolaides who scanned me and decided it was safe for me to return home to spend Christmas with my family. The loss of amniotic fluid was a result of the FETO operation and baby Sam s surrounding fluids were still ok.

On the 22nd of December, I woke up in the morning; this time my waters really had gone. I was once again transferred by ambulance to kings. This time I knew I was staying. I went into labour.

Baby Sam still had his balloon in from the FETO operation. This should have been removed before he was born. Dr Jani was going to puncture the balloon on the 23rd of December, but during the hour before the operation, Sam s heartbeat slowed down for 7 minutes. I nearly had a c-section. Then Sam perked up again, but the professor decided it was too risky to do the procedure and the balloon would have to be removed after Sam was born.

It broke my heart that i could not be with Jordan and Max on Christmas Eve, and that I needed Daddy there too, because baby Sam was coming. Their Nanny, Bo-bo nanny and Uncle Roy looked after them.

My baby boy came into the world at 7.38 pm on Christmas Eve, weighing 3lb, 1oz. I saw his arm shoot up in the air. This is the only time I saw my baby boy move. Dr Jani punctured Sam s balloon, but it was over 4minutes before they were able to get any oxygen into Sam.

Sam was whisked away.

Later that evening we were told that it was unlikely Sam would make it. I didn't believe he would die. We went and sat with him. He was all wired up and we couldn't even see him properly, but he looked strong to me. We stayed with him till the early hours of the morning.

We woke up Christmas morning (we stayed in a room in the hospital).I thought, no news is good news . Sam had made it through the night. We went to see him. Things were looking worse. He was going to die. He was going to die on Christmas day. I called home and arranged for my family to come to see Sam. I urged Sam to hold on till his brother and sister reached him. He couldn't wait though. He died in my arms between 11:40-11:45. I told him it was ok to stop fighting, and that he could go. Now Ive changed my mind; It s not ok! My heart is broken.

I had to break Jordan and Max s hearts too. When they arrived at the hospital, excited to see their new brother, I had to tell them he had died.

We spent the rest of the day with Sam in a private room. I got him dressed and we all cuddled him. He was and always be the best Christmas present ever!

I never got to see his eyes open. I am so sad. I miss my little boy. I want him back!

Click here to see Caroline's Photo Memories

Personal Stories

Tia's Story

I had been feeling achy for days, i was at work and became aware of clear liquid coming from me, I wasn't sure what to think, this was my first pregnancy.

As pain got worse to sit down or even stand, i phoned the hospital and they told me i was not in labour and to take some tablets and come in tomorrow if not any better. I went to bed that night and woke up in the early hours in such pain i couldn't do anything to help the pain so i had a bath, i remember laying there crying holding my belly saying please don't leave me over and over, my mum came in and asked what was wrong, she looked so worried.

I then was getting what must have been contractions and my dad saying 'you wait till your in labour that's bad' not knowing i was actually in labour i just chucked some clothes on and headed for the hospital.

I must admit i never thought they'd tell me what they were about to, i was quite exited in a strange way because i loved getting scanned or anything to do with my girls.

I was examined and told I had gone into early labour i was 1cm dilated and had a cervical stitch put in to help keep them safe until the end,even at this point i never thought it was as serious as it was, but my contractions got worse so was told i had to have it removed otherwise my cervix would be ripped open. I was told there was nothing they could do and they cannot survive, when i was told i couldn't understand what he was saying and he left the room, so was puzzled, i prayed they would stay or at least one, i was told when they took stitch out that one of the baby's sacs had broken and a foot was out.

All I could do is lay waiting knowing there future, they took two days to be born it was a unbearable wait, i cant explain what it was like still feeling them move knowing they were going to die, all i want to do is protect my babies i felt so useless. I know that they did not want to leave me they held on so long to try to stay but they were just to innocent and small for this world.

I became very ill during labour, Ella meaning beautiful fairy women was born first at 2.42am and weighed 420g Jaya meaning victory was born at 2.49am and weighed only 415g.

I was so scared about what they would look like i wanted them dressed before i met them, which i now regret as i should have held them while they passed i remember when ella came out my mum just said aaww, they were perfect.

They was brought out to me 4 hours after i gave birth holding hands, they were so beautiful, my first words were ''there so beautiful, i cant believe there mine'', I was so proud of them both and still am.

It was strange they were exactly how i imagined when i saw them but obviously smaller, seeing my girls just felt so right and real for the first time in my life, nothing has ever compared to this. They were my daughters, my everything my future, my happiest memories i will ever have was being pregnant with these girls i had so many plans for us they were so loved.

They both had dark hair the cutest button noses and there daddy's lips. When i first saw them i was so happy to see them and so proud they were mine they were sleeping angels, so beautiful. They looked just like me and their Daddy!

When i held Ella her nose started running it was so sweet, i got really upset because they were both so cold i just wanted to take care of them and keep them safe and warm.

I never got to say hello or even goodbye i miss them so much! They were taken so quickly from this world!

No other words could describe them other than beautiful, so I had James Blunt-Your beautiful played at the funeral it was a perfect song for my girls, it was such a nice service, I had Ella and Jaya put together in their little white coffin, they were sent to heaven together, in all the scans they were always touching each other, they were best friends from the start and will now be together forever.

I don't know what ill do without you both your so perfect and beautiful your everything i dreamed you would be, my heart is broken without you and no matter how hard i try it will never be fixed or replaced, you are my little girls i love you so much so look after each other and watch down on mummy and daddy until we will be together, one sweet day.

Click here to see Tia's Photo Memories

Personal Stories

Jo's Story

This was my first pregnancy and all had been going pretty well. There had been a few scares early on but by 30 weeks all was progressing quite smoothly. I loved being pregnant and gradually getting bigger. I had a right little wiggler inside of me and just loved lying down for hours feeling movements. I'd left work a week before Xmas to go on maternity leave and was looking forward to a fat and waddly Xmas (as my husband so kindly put it) and then time to really enjoy the pregnancy. Little wiggles, bless her had other ideas though.

It was at 31 weeks, just 4 days before Xmas when my waters broke. It was all quite calm, we went into hospital not really knowing what to expect. I was given tablets to try to stop the labour but our precious little one clearly wanted to spend Xmas with her Mummy and Daddy. Our gorgeous little girl Holly May was born at 16.47 weighing 3lb 5 oz. She was the most adorable little girl and the most precious thing that has ever happened to my Husband and I. We were just so overwhelmed by love for her. Although she was in the Special Care Baby Unit she was doing so well, it was an absolute privilege to hold, cuddle and care for her and we spent the most wonderful Xmas ever. We will never ever forget these precious memories.

Two days after Christmas, when she was just 6 days old, we had that dreaded phone call to come to the hospital as our darling little baby was unwell. She had contracted a horrible infection called Necrotising Enterocolitis (Nec) and it wasn't looking good. She was then transferred to a more specialist hospital in Bristol and that same evening we were told the devastating news that our little girl was too poorly for the doctors to help. Our world so very quickly came crashing down on us. We cuddled her, talked to her and sung to her for hours as she quietly left this world. We had to pack a lifetime of loving into just 6 days.

We will never ever forget you sweetheart, Mummy and Daddy love and miss you so very much. We were so lucky to know you and will cherish those special memories we had forever. Sleep tight precious one xxxxxxxx

Click here to see Jo's Photo Memories

Personal Stories

Sophie's Story

Sunday 23rd I stayed over my Mum's house ready to go out for the day with the family on the Monday. We arrived at the beach, was such a lovely day spending time with the family as well as the sun being out. Later on that day I went to my home where me and my Partner lived together.

I decided to stay at my Mum's again that night. So when I arrived back at my Mum's I was watching some telly, then went to bed at about 23:00. I woke up at about 4-5ish in the morning for the normal wake up of my little boy kicking me through the night. That was his routine! I finally fell back to sleep and woke up in the morning.

Everything was normal, until I thought it was weird that Jaiden (my little boy) hadn't kicked me all day and that the last time I had felt him was early hours in the morning. I decided to leave it until bed time as it was late in the evening anyway and I knew he would always come active as soon as he knew his Mummy was relaxed. So I got ready for bed a few hours later, with him still not kicking. As a first time Mum I didn't know what to expect or if I was just being over protective. I put a film on in bed and fell asleep. Come 3:00 in the morning waking up to go to the toilet, I had noticed he still hadn't woken me up. I woke my Partner up to tell him Jaiden hasn't kicked me and I was really worried. He said let's go to hospital, but i didn't want to. I really thought there was nothing wrong and I was definitely over reacting. I then managed to get back to sleep.

I woke up in the morning and rang my Mum and told her I hadn't felt anything all night. She said I have to go hospital, telling me that it was probably okay but to just get it checked. I was so scared! I asked my Sister to come with me, thinking my Partner didn't need to as there was nothing wrong! I wasn't expecting any bad news at all. I arrived at the hospital, I was seen straight away! I was put on a monitor to monitor the heartbeat. The Sonographer couldn't pick up any heartbeat and told it was probably that the baby had his back to us. She then took me in to be scanned. The man came in straight away to scan me, he scanned me for about 10 minutes. He went to get another Sonographer for another opinion on what he was seeing. The Sonographer was a lady, she scanned me, within 3-4 minutes of looking at the screen she knew what she was seeing. She just looked at me and then that's when it became the worse day of my life!!

She told me my baby's heartbeat had stopped. I broke down into tears and couldn't stop crying. They told me I would have to give birth to my baby anytime soon as I was 27w+5days. I thought it was all a dream. I then had to come home and tell my Partner and the rest of the family the dreadful news.

I went home and broke the horrible news. I said to my Partner I have to go back up there now, I just wanted to get it all over and done with. I got my hospital bag ready and went off to the hospital.

They started me off 01:30 in the morning, then went down to delivery at 11:00 in the morning having my gorgeous little boy at 12:12 in the afternoon. He was so perfect weighing at 2 lbs, 2 oz.

I also had my little boy blessed at the hospital on the 1st of June and his beautiful funeral on the 14th of June. I didn't agree to have a post-mortem but had blood tests done, with the results coming back that I had a blood clot on my womb which caused no oxygen to my baby as the placenta was pushed away. I was so angry with the hospital, as they were aware of my family history of blood clotting and I was sent a letter at 17 weeks pregnant saying I was at high risk of clotting, but nothing was done to prevent it.

I had such little time with my baby, he was taken far too soon but he will always be in here in my heart with me. I love you Jaiden and you're missed so dearly!

Rest In Peace xx

Click here to see Sophie's Photo Memories

Personal Stories

Sian's Story

Apart from 1 week or so of morning sickness and 1 day of migraine, I felt amazing. Pregnancy clearly suited me. Craig (husband) and I were desperate to find out the sexes of our non-ID twins in a few days. Sat having a cuppa at our best friend's house, I suddenly felt a sharp pain in my right hand side. It didn't disappear so after trying to walk it off for a couple of hours Jodi told me to call the midwife. She didn't think it was pregnancy related but suggested that if I was worried, that we go to EPU.

Craig and I arrived at the EPU around 4pm to be told that as they weren't expecting us, we needed to go to the walk in centre and they would then accept me if I was referred back to them. The Dr. at the walk in unit tested my urine and said there was an infection and was worried about the pain as he didn't think it was normal. He phoned the EPU to say he was sending me up and said he was worried about placentas etc...

The EPU listened to the heartbeats, did another urine test, a blood test and the Dr. on duty examined me. I was given antibiotics for a urine infection (advised that they were common in pregnancy and that they can be quite painful) and told that a scan wasn't really necessary and that I would have to be admitted overnight to have one and they would call someone in on a Sunday as an emergency. As I had my 20 week scan booked that week he suggested mentioning my visit to the radiographer. He also thought that I may have pulled a muscle due to having twins. The EPU phoned me about 8pm to advise that my bloods had come back. They found high white cell counts but was told that this was in conjunction with the urine infection.

Although the pain was much better, it was still present. Seemed that muscular pain or the urine infection was getting better. I arrived at my 20 week scan. Mentioned my visit and that we wanted to know the sex. Both the radiographer and her trainee were very chatty. Craig and I were very excited to find out that we were having a Boy and a Girl until my cervix was found to be funneling. My Obstetrician was immediately informed and we were quickly ushered to a private room to wait for her. I was then advised that it was too late to stitch my cervix closed and had to have a rubber ring pessary fitted to try and keep it shut. We mentioned the pain again but the Obstetrician kept mentioning that she was worried about pre-term labour as this was very common with twins. I was signed off work for 2 weeks to allow my cervix to settle.

After returning from Craig's parents house at 9pm, the pain returned as I got into bed. Of course i'm thinking that i've pulled muscles again. The pain was quite bad and seemed to get worse when I moved and getting out of bed was difficult on my own. Craig pulling me up quickly seemed the least painful.

Routine visit with the midwife at the surgery. I used this as a perfect opportunity to mention the pain. I reminded her about my call on 23rd July, advised her of the EPU's action and she had no answer for me. She did however, say that it looked like I was in a lot of pain as I "hobbled" into her room and show me the best way to get on and off the bed to minimise muscle pulling and pain.

I decided to phone the delivery suite to ask about the pain in my right hand side - was advised that it is common with twins.

Again I phoned the delivery suite. The midwife advised again that it is common and said she would send me a leaflet on excercises during pregnancy and that there would be information for a physio on there.

After being stuck in the house I decided that I would take Craig's parents offer of dinner out. The pain had been bad now constantly for 9 days. We had a nice evening and returned to a much needed bed at 10pm. Suddenly waking up in much more severe pain at 1am (even though the previous pain was crippling), I decided that I was able to take more pain relief. After waiting for this to kick in, I was trying to get comfortable. It seemed now that lying down was a big no no. At 3am when I was still pacing round the bedroom I decided I couldn't keep quiet from the pain anymore. Craig contacted delivery and they asked me to come straight in. I knew I wasn't in labour but I just couldn't work out what was wrong and couldn't stand the pain anymore.

Upon arrival around 4am, the heartbeats were checked. All ok there and delivery really had no idea of what was happening to me. After being given 2 doses of Pethadin and finally Entinox, the pain finally became bearable. I think by this time it was 7am. Blood was taken and a surgeon came to assess the pain and my abdomen. An ultrasound was ordered immediately. A large mass the size of a coca cola can (10x5x6cm) was found and appeared to be attached to the ovary. I was advised that I had to be operated on ASAP and was put on the emergency list.

4pm I went under general for an operation which should last around 1 hour. I woke up in recovery and immediately asked about my babies to be told that they were fine. I suddenly had a rush of pain and realised that it was 7:35pm! I asked why and was told that my appendix and part of my bowel had been removed in the surgery and not an ovarian cyst. I didn't even care about anything else because my babies were safe and was happy to see my husband who was waiting for me. My Mother in Law and Brother were also waiting in my room to see me.

I was very very tired from surgery and of course Nurse monitoring every hour throughout the night. A Stoma Nurse came to see me to explain about my Ileostomy and the reason why I had one. The surgeon decided that after removing the dead bowel, it was too dangerous to re-join it during pregnancy due to possible leakage and the need for another major operation. It was to be reversed after having the twins. I wasn't phased by any of this. Looking back on it, I think I realised that I was lucky to be alive and as long as my babies were fine I didn't care about me. I asked someone on the ward if a midwife could come down so I could listen to my babies heartbeats. They sounded so amazing.

I woke up around 1am expecting to see a Nurse in my room. I then realised I was having contractions and this must have woken me up. I pressed my call button and after examinations, it was confirmed that I had gone into labour. I asked for Craig to be called immediately. When he arrived he seemed distraught and couldn't believe what was happening.

Our beautiful daughter Lola Louise Evans was born at 12:35pm weighing 450g. She was taken to SCBU and at 1:10pm I gave birth to her handsome brother Lukas Harrison Evans who weighed 485g. We were told then that although he was born breathing, that he didn't make it and did we want to hold him. We both burst into tears at the same time and began to give our little boy kisses and cuddles. After delivery of the placentas it was time for Craig to contact family and our best friends. They all knew what was happening but were desperate to know the outcome. It turned out that Craig's Mum and my Brother were on their way to the hospital already and would only be 15 minutes. Craig called his Brother who immediately left his work in Bristol to be with us.

Craig and I were given the opportunity to meet our beautiful daughter. We took her brother in to see her. They looked so amazing together.

My Brother and Craig's Mum arrived first, then Craig's Brother and then a family friend. All held our precious Lukas. We were told that St. Michaels in Bristol were happy to accept Lola and that they were on their way to collect her. Everyone went in to see her before she left and early evening my husband and his Mum then went to stay in Bristol with her. Although the ward allowed my brother to stay in my room with me I felt terribly lonely and didn't know when I would see my Daughter and Husband. I'm just so glad that Lukas was able to stay with me for a couple of days.

The hospital decided that I was able to travel to St. Michaels to visit my daughter. Upon arrival I couldn't stand up from my wheelchair because I was so weak. Even with the incubator at it's lowest I struggled to see my beautiful girl. We had Lola Christened that afternoon and had our Brothers' (who were present) and our best friends who we wished could have been there as Godparents.

Bristol decided I was too poorly to travel back to Swindon and found me a bed on a ward. It was the first night I had been on my own since the birth and I couldn't sleep. I was so close to my daughter but couldn't be with her and so far away from my baby boy whom i'd left behind in Swindon.

Our best friends were due to visit me in Bristol. I sent them a text to say that if they didn't have much time that I would prefer them to meet their God Daughter instead. They had already met Lukas the day after he was born and didn't want them to miss out on seeing Lola. Craig and I had already been told that Lola was incredibly poorly and wasn't improving. They both managed to see Lola and thought she was beautiful.

Craig and I had to make the biggest and most painful decision of our lives. Lola had become much worse overnight and was very poorly indeed. Lola was taken into a side room so that we could be alone with her. We were having some food while this happened and had a phone call to say that we needed to see her now as she was deteriorating fast. Her vitals had gone right down so we rushed to be with her. I'm so glad that we got to hold her before she passed. Lola died around 3:05pm in Craig's arms and after some time alone, the whole family came in to hold her. We bathed and dressed her in a little outfit which we thought would match her brothers.

I feel blessed to have spent time with my beautiful children. We held a small graveside funeral for them at Kingsdown Cemetery on 30th August where they were buried together.

It has come to light that the pain was in fact appendicitis. The appendix burst and an abcess grew around it and caused peritonitis which in turn had caused my cervix to start opening. Our beautiful babies just couldn't stay in with the infection and stress of the surgery any longer.

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